He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to keep what he cannot lose. ~Attr. Jim Elliot; Lk. 20:24, 25

If time could wrinkle itself from when my son was 10 to now, 23 years later, I see a responsible and independent young man who has a good job that he loves and a girlfriend he cares for very much. He maintains his own household, pays his own bills, owns and insures his own car and does all the things that, when he was 10 I wondered he would accomplish. It is a different perspective, especially seeing him so generous and caring of another. It affects entirely the person he is and continues to become. Oh, he and I still remember funny things that happened, lines from movies we saw that were special to us, adventures, and terrific storms we weathered, both natural and emotional. But all that is now in the past. I have become more a memory in his life and hope to share some aspect of his future someday, in some way.

As for me, becoming the person God created now on my own, I am working more at listening for God’s still, small voice. I am seeking the Holy Spirit’s voice in my heart. I am still trying to apply more what I am learning and understanding now to what is important, not so much what I learned as a child and very young woman because in those days I created personas I thought I ought to be. Now I am peeling away the layers I painted and applied to find who is underneath. Once completely unearthed I hope to be in a better place where I can walk forward and be useful, be pertinent, be a part of something that makes life better.

Thoughts

Raising children is exhausting especially if you do it alone. My son often asked how old I was, a question I artfully evaded for years. After a particularly trying day he asked again. “112,” I told him. He said nothing. Maybe he believed me. Maybe he weighed the importance of this vast number– was I about to die? was I immortal?? I will never know what went through his remarkable mind at that moment, but I know I wondered whether or not I felt that old. I know that, no matter how many years I may live mentally I still feel as I did when I was 17. That was the best year of my life– I earned my driver’s license, I went to a new high school where I really flourished academically and socially, I was very active, my parents actually honored my decisions (or they didn’t care), but I felt truly independent and good about myself. At least I don’t feel 112 anymore but nearing 60 I am still running 2-3 miles everyday with my dog, gardening, reading, trying to figure out how to be assertive without aggression, how to be unobtrusive yet still have all I need and maybe some of what I want, live modestly and save a little at the same time, fight for truth and balance in politics and life. And eat well while still enjoying food that tastes good and maybe isn’t all that good for me yet not gain weight These are not lofty goals but what makes my life as it is now.