Family vacations

Typically something everyone looks forward to. Something where, for a specified time,  life is carefree, happy, no worries. No one brings cares or worries along on a vacation, right? Everyone looks forward to a time to rest, relax, catch up on some sleep, catch up with friends or family members they’ve not seen. Of course. This is what is hoped. No one worries about fat grams, curfews, schedules, appointments, illness… nothing, right? This is assuming all components to the vacation are good, that they work well together, get along. Even if they don’t, hey, it’s vacation, right?? Who cares about what you left at home! That’s why you went on vacation. In fact, you don’t think at all. You aren’t meant to think. You are on vacation from thoughts, demands, yourself if necessary. Time, hours, days stretch before you in an endless horizon (oxymoron alert- a horizon by nature is its own end). Nothing is “out there”, nothing to trap you, to remind you that you forgot, to interrupt you. There are no interruptions because there are no plans! Life unfolds as it naturally would with no restrictions, no hindrances, no encumbrances. Love the days, the hours, the food, the people, the smells, the sounds, the warmth, the laughter, the beauty of it all.

It’s a vacation.

End of story

I had an amazing 2-day conference at the Cove, the Billy Graham Training Center near Asheville, part of which was preparation for the My Hope event later this year. More on the conference and time in a most tranquil place later. On my way home my cell phone rang. I did not recognize the number but the area code was local so I answered. It was my vet. My vocal cords refused to respond. My dogs are boarding there and hearing from the vet while you are away, not to mention on a Sunday morning, is never a good thing. The first thing he said was it was not an emergency, so I stopped holding my breath. My little special needs baby, Murphy, is 12. He has been having gall bladder issues, phosphorous/protein/kidney issues, dental issues… anyway, his bloodwork to prep him for a dental cleaning came back and it was not good. He had gotten some better recently but it’s taken a turn. Anyway, we will be changing his meds and hope it extends his quality of life.

We know when we adopt these precious ones the likely outcome– our lives outlive theirs. Very few but some pets make it to 15 or even beyond, but those unlucky ones who do not often are afflicted with something untoward. A cancer, or a kidney disease, spine issues, liver or heart problems. They are no different in this way from us humans. Things happen to them. The responsibility we assume when we adopt adorable little puff balls is staggering but we do not know just how much so at that time. This tiny, wriggling bit of fluff so happy with us? What could possibly happen to so much love, so much life?? A lot can happen. No matter how carefully we tend their little diets, vaccination and medical needs things happen. Even though we know nothing lasts forever we are never prepared when the “Time” comes. We age with them, we know every aspect of their health care and yet we are not nature’s miracle. We cannot give them more life. Some medicines might, or stepped-up care, but face it, They will simply not stay with us forever. So I am trying hard not to think about the end, more I am going backwards, remembering Murphy’s puppyhood, his little joys, chasing after bouncy balls, his attentive prancing dance when he greets me at the door.

And I try hard not to cry.

Insomnia

This isn’t something I suffer from much, not anymore anyway. I used to, when my son was young and I was a single mom. At one point I realized I needed to find part-time morning work so I could be home afternoons. Even being present sometimes isn’t enough. You always have the dynamic of the other family- the divorced parent and their relatives -lurking in the wings. That was difficult for me. They had lots of money and never hesitated to overindulge my son at their every whim. No wonder he sometimes preferred them to me and the spartan existence at home. This kept me up nights. Angry and feeling helpless. Besides, I made demands on him, chores like cleaning his room, changing his own sheets, cleaning his bathroom. Every Saturday he had to do these things before any TV, playing, or going to a friend’s house. And I was the only one! No back up. So one day, long after he finished college and had left home for his own life out of nowhere he calls me to say he is grateful I taught him to clean a toilet. I really have no idea why or what prompted this gratitude, but I took it at face value, so thankful that something, however small, paid off and helped him, even in some significant way.

So now if I have insomnia I have a little notebook I write in. Sometimes I just make a list, stream of consciousness, until all the anxiety goes away. Sometimes I write a letter to God. Sometimes I write things I am grateful for. Whatever, it seems to empty the cup that holds the fears or hangovers from the past, and fills it with peace.

Desperation

In his first essay, “Economy”, from Walden Pond, Henry David Thoreau said “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” (1854) So what does desperation mean? What about those who have clearly identified their God-given gifts (where else could they come from?) and have found the niche to enable appropriate use of these gifts, thus establishing a satisfying life for both the gifted and those who are recipients of these gifts. End of story? Not by a long shot. What about the rest of us? You know, the ones who are good at a few things but don’t seem to focus too well. Or can’t give up two or three of their efforts to choose one abandoning all else. Would it be abandonment? Would those gifts go unused? And what about what C. S. Lewis said nearly 100 years later in Mere Christianity: “God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there.” (1952) Some atheists may disagree, saying they evolved from that speck of dust, or this piece of seaweed. But even that speck of dust, that piece of seaweed came from Someone. Nothing just happens. So is desperation emptiness? Is it a running away from something? or a frantic running toward something? A constant seeking, never finding, or just the fear of never finding? Or is it just plain fear?

Messages from beyond

It is said that sometimes loved ones send messages shortly after their passing to those left behind. If this is true then I can believe that is what my mother gave me the 3 nights after her death. She and I had been very close through most of my teen and college-aged years but following my divorce all my relationships could best be described as on and off. Mom and I had been in one of the off phases when she had 3 heart attacks in a span of 2 weeks. The 3rd one took her from this earthly plane and the bottom fell out of my life. The first night after her death she appeared in my dream and, with her eyes closed, only allowing me to see her face and head, talked to me all night in this dream. For the life of me I could not remember (and still can’t) any of what she said. The second night she was atop a high pinnacle, pointing to her left arm, saying “I hurt”. The third night she was surrounded by thousands of laughing, joyful children and I had never seen her look so purely happy.

My dad took a bit longer to send me his message, maybe a month, six weeks. In my dream of Dad, he appeared as he had looked as a much younger man, sparkling eyes, trim, without the characteristic limp he’d been burdened with since falling off a mountain in his home of Colorado as a teenager. He asked me to dance. He’d always loved to dance. I was thrilled and ran to my closet to choose the perfect dress to wear. I couldn’t decide on one! So I found 3, put them all on, one over the other, then rushed out to meet him for my dance with him. He was gone! I looked everywhere, asked people I saw, no one knew of him. How I cried when I realized he had gone, I had missed my dance.

I do not know the significance or even the validity of these dreams. Maybe they mean nothing at all. But to me, at the time, they brought me great comfort. I saw my parents, each in turn, at their happiest, free of the encumbrances of pain and sickness, in the element of what they each loved best. And I continue to dream of them, occasionally.

Dogs

Though there has not been, to my knowledge, any formal debate on whether or not dogs have souls I will never understand how anyone who has a soul himself can not believe that dogs do not as well.They have moods, they clearly have preferences as to foods, toys and persons. These can certainly be considered instinct, but on what is instinct based? Is it genetic? Is it only intuitive? Clearly their sense for goodness is not learned, but can be unlearned as anyone who knows of the brutality of dog fighting is aware. Has anyone ever seen a puppy that is a monster? No. After a puppy is weaned it wants companionship and to give love and be playful. This search for and pleasure in joy and companionship is not animal-based. If it were we would all have natures that could not aspire to reason, to wisdom. Perhaps it is arguable that dogs have no sense of reason but I have known plenty of dogs who, having encountered a skunk are wary of them afterward. I also have known a few (not many, mercifully) individuals who continually “push the envelope”. Maybe not by putting their hand on a hot stove burner more than once, but venture too many times into places where even angels fear to tread. No, I think in many cases dogs are smarter than people. Sadly, though they know they need us for many things after they become parts of our heart and home, consider this: to what family member would we deny the same?

Rain

I love the sound of rain. I love the smell just before it rains, the tension in the air, humidity becoming prickly as the air moisture reaches for the raindrops. When the weather has been sunny and hot for several days even the plants know when the rain is coming. They strain toward the sky in anticipation of life-giving moisture. After the rain the air can seem sticky, as though the rain simply coated it with more moisture. Explosive storms blast the humidity and the air is fresh, clear, cooler. Trees appear washed, rinsed clean of dust. There aren’t clouds of gnats and mosquitoes as when the air becomes more humid. I don’t know where they go when the rain cleans and washes the earth. I don’t know where butterflies go either, but they gradually reappear, visiting their favorite nectar-rich flowers.

Customer Service

Quality in a service or product is not what you put into it. It is what the client or customer gets out of it.
~Peter Drucker

So 10 days ago my faithful, oft-abused pc died. It was a quiet, peaceful death. No rattles, wheezing of the cooling mechanism, sputtering, flashing lights– no drama. It just died. The little “on” light appeared but clearly the mother board was no longer paying attention. I received an email from my favorite pc manufacturer (HP- because my dad liked them) and bought a new one. And waited for FedEx to carefully hand-deliver it. Which they did, yesterday. I tenderly, gently unboxed it, slowly and gently removed the peripherals, keyboard and mouse from the now-deceased Pavilion and hooked up my new 110. The monitor was not wide enough so, not initially realizing this I called for help. Here is where I expected the worst and received a grace and helpfulness far beyond what I could ever have hoped. The young man took in all my rantings and reminded me that my monitor had controls which would enable me to adjust what the pc broadcast so I could see the entire screen. He did not have to go any further. But he did. He talked me through the registration screen, the naming screen, the password screen, all the way to the Windows 8 Start page. I was overwhelmed. I don’t think I have ever been treated so kindly, with such patience and true helpfulness. And this by a 24-year-old. They have absolutely no patience for anyone over the age of 30. Without revealing my specific age, suffice to say I have a son who is older than this young man. It may have been his training and he just paid more attention, but I think this person is going far in his life. He is making the most out of his current position as if it were the best and most important job on the face of the Earth which, to me at the time, it was. If more people would treat their jobs and others they encounter as this young man treated me we will eliminate much of the problems we have, and a lot of the ulcer diagnoses. Take note, you young (and not-so-young). People matter. What they think, what they need, matters. You matter.

Courage

When you are afraid, do the thing you are afraid of and soon you will lose your fear of it.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Is courage an offshoot of freedom, or is freedom an offshoot of courage? Can either exist without the other? I don’t think so. Freedom isn’t something that is freely available. It has to be attained and maintained. Look at the natural world., Even vines fight each other for valuable real estate. If one wants more it simply grows over the other and strangles it. If it is a parasitic vine it lives off the life of its host plant until the host dies, then it moves on to the next host. Intervention is only by another, stronger vine or a human with sharp shears.

Animals mark their territories. They guard and defend them until a stronger invader marauds the current occupant and overcomes. This happens with creatures from wolves to hummingbirds. Put a new feeder out for these tiny birds and watch the battles, until the victor emerges and vigilantly defends that feeder, swooping and squealing, diving to protect its newly-claimed food source. So what makes it so difficult for people? Do we just think we won’t ever experience real threats? Those threats are certainly real in tiny Israel. We need to value the gifts we have and be strong to protect them.

Unnecessary necessities

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

– C. S. Lewis

Being something of a recluse I can freely associate the precious gift of a true friend to this quote. There is nothing like having someone, male or female, who can let you be you. Who can laugh with you, cry with you, listen endlessly to you pour out your heart until you think it’s empty, all the while refilling it with their hope, grace, charm, warmth and time. Just knowing there is someone to whom you can go, no matter what you have on your heart or your mind, and gladly listen. Consequently, the gift is truly enjoyed when this person is also someone who values your listening ear, your time, your laughter, tears and (you hope) wise observations or gentle advice. There is really nothing like having someone you can’t wait to be with, whether you are sitting together quietly reading, window shopping, enjoying a lunch or dinner at a restaurant, seeing a movie, and to whom you can say how you feel, what you think knowing you will not be judged but held carefully within the parameters of your friendship, reflected in both personalities. Nothing like it.